Living with Depression.

 

If you have had depression then you will understand more about what I have written, but I hope it will be of help to you and help you understand more about it. Personally I am happy that depression has been given more publicity as more and more are suffering with it, many in silence as they don’t know what’s wrong or are too scared or too low to be able to tell anyone.

Having been there, I can tell you it is a horrible place to be in. I had it since I was a child in a time when it wasn’t recognised. I knew there was something not right with me in my twenties but didn’t know what it was or how to go about dealing with it, I used to get very down and couldn't lift out of it (depressed) around this time of the year for six to eight weeks as well as other bouts during the year. People would shy away from me or so I thought and I would be all alone away from home at college and then working here in England.

I know now that I (the depression) pushed them away, at those times I felt very low and didn’t want to get out of bed or go to college or work but because it had been going on so long I forced myself as always to get out of that bed and be where I needed to be. In later years whilst as a chef, that smile got plastered on my face and when I was asked was I ok, I would reply “fine” whilst crying inside. This could go on for a few months and then I would snap out of it and all would be well and people would want to go out and do things with me again. You see then I had lots of friends but they were always wary of me as you never knew when my temper would kick in, and boy would I fly off the handle. Scary times as it would be over in a matter of moments for me, but chefs and other staff would tiptoe around me wondering when that gasket would blow again and inevitably I would if not that day in the following days.

Recently I spoke to a former sous chef of mine and she used words such as weird, odd and crazy to describe me. I agreed with her as I could see I was that bad in the past.  I mentioned being a chef. Well that happened because that was the only profession I could have done at the time as it was back in the time when you could have tantrums and hissy fits in the kitchen and of course shout and I did a lot of that. It was all very loud and noisy, I fitted in as I too was noisy. But as time moved on and I started getting treatment for it then I didn’t fit in, people started picking on me as they saw a weakness in me, but as I found out time and time again I was the strong one outside and in. I got through it and got out of the catering industry and here I am.

Sometimes you don't realise you are getting better as you don't notice the change as much as others do, it's like ripples in a lake you affect people in different ways and they will start to respond differently to you. I used to find it difficult to get on with my family and they with me, My mother recently said it was as if I was in a glass room and she could see and hear me but wasn't able to get close enough to help me. You though, have to be the one to help yourself to get out of it, it is after all and addiction, you get so used to it and become stuck in the hole that is is difficult to get out of it. But If you can, go to the Doctor or therapist and get out because there is an amazing life out there for you.